So this will be my last post... for a long time at least.

Spring break 09- I threw up this morning, because of stress? Pain? who knows...

I have decided the rest of this semester will consist of me focusing on school work, working out, God, and sleeping. Self improvement. If I focus on that, maybe everything else will slowly fade away in my mind.

I expect to much from people. I trust too easily. I let people cut me down and eat me alive. It needs to stop, because I am holding on by a thread. I HATE being judged. I am vulnerable. Broken. Yet I have thick skin. I have never been one for drama, I thought I was escaping the drama of everyone knowing your every move when I left my small town. I did escape that, but the drama that comes with where I am now, is more than I can handle. I went from being the "saint" of my town to the "bad influence" in the new one... that hurts. A lot. I used to be a role model to everyone... now? I want to be that person again.

I told myself this semester would be better, that I would make it better, but truth is since I got here it has been spiraling down hill. My new years resolution was to make a best friend at harding. But what happens when your best friend becomes more? I have learned that dating a guy in your same group of friends is just not a good idea. Sucks for me... and for him. Our relationship was so much more complicated than anyone could understand and went deeper than anyone knew. I am beyond sorry for ever believing the impossible could happen... because opposites don't attract... in the long run right?

You are all right about this. I am not over him. I will never be over him. I love him more than anything in this world. BUT the ONLY way i can be with him, is to not be so far away.  I guess love hurts. So maybe I will just stay home this summer, and go to school with him next semester. That seems easiest. That seems like it will make everyone happy. Harrison was right when he told me harding has changed me, for the worse. 

I am NOT writing this to be depressing. I am NOT trying to be overdramatic. I am NOT writing this as some sob story or a cut down to anyone at all. I am writing because I am deeply and truly hurt, I am so so so so so sorry for the trouble I have caused. I promise I am not a bad person. I'm not. I wish you all well. Goodbye.

3 more days...

So this weekend Abilene was AMAZING!!! To see blake was the best possible thing for me, we haven't been separated for longer than two weeks since birth until this year and it has been really hard on both of us. So this weekend was refreshing, not to mention the countless number of memories i made with tessa and mary. Friends are great.

Which brings me to design...HAHA staying up till 5 with mary was...hhmm... I actually dont think words could describe it. We ate A LOT, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed until we cried, and also experienced many near death situations (hot glue) lol. Sleep is VERY necessary for me at this point. But Abiliene was SO worth it.

Another note-Abiliene theatre kids are NO, i appreciate the people that make up our department so much more now than i ever have. Ask me more on this topic...I have much to say.

....I'm not going to the wedding anymore... I got a text today that said his parents dont think its a good idea. Thats a shot in the face. His parents mean more to me than anything in the world, the wedding was scheduled so I could be there...and now...he is trying to get to me, he knows how guilty that makes me feel. He also said we need to exchange our stuff...that is unnecessary considering LITERALLY over HALF the things in my room are his, made by him, or have something to do with him...it wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I am glad I have someone that is still willing to be with me even though I have all this baggage. He makes me smile.

ALL THIS to say... i am SO ready for spring break. I feel like we will all get so close and make some incredible memories. I do feel pressure though...like if something goes wrong and people are not having fun its my fault...i know this isent true but its my nature. I AM SO EXCITED though!!! WOO WOO!!! 

Birthday is saturday! do a dance.