summer is amazing. 

everything i needed it to be and more.

i cant even begin to describe how happy i am and how awesome life is.

i am SO blessed. 

life is great!

:) :) :) :) :)

London so far...

So we have been so busy!! We have seen so many sights and its actually starting to feel like we live here! its so insane! its absolutely beautiful and i love the group of people we are with. I have made some pretty awesome new friends, but i really miss my friends back home and from harding!! I have discovered three main things while in london...

1. there are so many opportunities in the city and i love the theatre world of it all

2. i am more of a southern girl than i thought, i want to live in the country when im ready to settle down

3. i love exploring new cultures and being surrounded by all this new stuff, its pretty much incredible

on another note, me and harrison are reconciled. I know there are mixed feelings on this subject, but im happy and i love him. and he loves me. and neither one of us are perfect and we are working hard to fix those things. but im in love with my best friend. and im so blessed for that. 

tomorrow we go on a overnight trip to oxford!!! YAY!!! i love yall and hope your having a wonderful summer!!!

words cant describe this...

i cant believe im here...

words cant describe how AMAZING it is!!!!

so much history...so beautiful...AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

spring awakening was simply AMAZING!! utterly beautiful. i cried. haha and met the cast...they were pretty amazing too

and i dont even know what to say other than this is a dream come true...WONDERFUL!!!!!

more to come later, ill give more in depth haha 

i miss yall a lot! LOVE YOU!

my life theme song right now

This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle
I've seen high and I've seen low

So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear

The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears

Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Oh, Lift me up

Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, oh, oh, just begun
Lift me up, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah, now
Oh, oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up

"Lift me up"- Kate Voegele

So this will be my last post... for a long time at least.

Spring break 09- I threw up this morning, because of stress? Pain? who knows...

I have decided the rest of this semester will consist of me focusing on school work, working out, God, and sleeping. Self improvement. If I focus on that, maybe everything else will slowly fade away in my mind.

I expect to much from people. I trust too easily. I let people cut me down and eat me alive. It needs to stop, because I am holding on by a thread. I HATE being judged. I am vulnerable. Broken. Yet I have thick skin. I have never been one for drama, I thought I was escaping the drama of everyone knowing your every move when I left my small town. I did escape that, but the drama that comes with where I am now, is more than I can handle. I went from being the "saint" of my town to the "bad influence" in the new one... that hurts. A lot. I used to be a role model to everyone... now? I want to be that person again.

I told myself this semester would be better, that I would make it better, but truth is since I got here it has been spiraling down hill. My new years resolution was to make a best friend at harding. But what happens when your best friend becomes more? I have learned that dating a guy in your same group of friends is just not a good idea. Sucks for me... and for him. Our relationship was so much more complicated than anyone could understand and went deeper than anyone knew. I am beyond sorry for ever believing the impossible could happen... because opposites don't attract... in the long run right?

You are all right about this. I am not over him. I will never be over him. I love him more than anything in this world. BUT the ONLY way i can be with him, is to not be so far away.  I guess love hurts. So maybe I will just stay home this summer, and go to school with him next semester. That seems easiest. That seems like it will make everyone happy. Harrison was right when he told me harding has changed me, for the worse. 

I am NOT writing this to be depressing. I am NOT trying to be overdramatic. I am NOT writing this as some sob story or a cut down to anyone at all. I am writing because I am deeply and truly hurt, I am so so so so so sorry for the trouble I have caused. I promise I am not a bad person. I'm not. I wish you all well. Goodbye.

3 more days...

So this weekend Abilene was AMAZING!!! To see blake was the best possible thing for me, we haven't been separated for longer than two weeks since birth until this year and it has been really hard on both of us. So this weekend was refreshing, not to mention the countless number of memories i made with tessa and mary. Friends are great.

Which brings me to design...HAHA staying up till 5 with mary was...hhmm... I actually dont think words could describe it. We ate A LOT, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed until we cried, and also experienced many near death situations (hot glue) lol. Sleep is VERY necessary for me at this point. But Abiliene was SO worth it.

Another note-Abiliene theatre kids are NO, i appreciate the people that make up our department so much more now than i ever have. Ask me more on this topic...I have much to say.

....I'm not going to the wedding anymore... I got a text today that said his parents dont think its a good idea. Thats a shot in the face. His parents mean more to me than anything in the world, the wedding was scheduled so I could be there...and now...he is trying to get to me, he knows how guilty that makes me feel. He also said we need to exchange our stuff...that is unnecessary considering LITERALLY over HALF the things in my room are his, made by him, or have something to do with him...it wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I am glad I have someone that is still willing to be with me even though I have all this baggage. He makes me smile.

ALL THIS to say... i am SO ready for spring break. I feel like we will all get so close and make some incredible memories. I do feel pressure though...like if something goes wrong and people are not having fun its my fault...i know this isent true but its my nature. I AM SO EXCITED though!!! WOO WOO!!! 

Birthday is saturday! do a dance.

Im done.

Im done thinking about myself all the time

Im done thinking about the what ifs.

Im done second guessing.

Im done trying to make EVERYONE ELSE happy.

Im done ignoring my dreams.

Im done with being mean, hurtful, and rude.

Im done crying.

Im done with being fake.

and Im done fighting off feelings for him. Let them come. I'm more than ready.

Now, I'm going to be a good friend, a best friend,  a good person, I am going back to the girl I was 2 years ago, only this time I am stronger and I have AMAZING new friends I would lay my life down for. 

Im done living in the past.

Im done and Im glad.

Jeremiah 29:11